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The way Melania Trump manages her marriage is admirable.

The way Melania Trump manages her marriage is admirable.

Melania’s refusal to play the role of political spouse contradicts the expectation that women should support their husband’s career

November 5, 2024, 9:00 am(Updated 10:50 am)

As I tried to sleep last night and tried unsuccessfully not to think about the upcoming US elections, I found myself wondering when the last time I saw Melania Trump was. And instead of counting sheep, I counted how many times I’ve seen Melania appear next to her husband during this election cycle. Answer: very little.

This year, she chose not to speak at the Republican National Convention, where Donald Trump was announced as the official candidate for the presidential race. Usually the nominee’s wife gives a nice speech about how wonderful her husband is. Melania not so much.

She also missed various other major campaign milestones, including the start of the 2024 election in Iowa, Trump’s Super Tuesday victory party, his 78th birthday and his hush-money trial in Manhattan. Admittedly, late last week she was spotted packing her car to fly to Florida, presumably to join her husband on election night. But the term most closely associated with Melania in recent months is “noticeable absence.”

And guess what? All power to her. Historically, I haven’t had much time for the woman who once walked into a detention center for migrant children wearing a coat that said, “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” written on the back. But the longer she refuses to participate in the election dog and pony show, the more I have to admit that I have a grudging respect for her. And there’s something even bolder about her blatant refusal to play ball with an electoral system that requires a candidate’s spouse to be judged, rated, and judged by the voting public, even though she wasn’t on the ballot.

On a smaller level, there is still an overwhelming expectation that a woman is a professional extension of her husband. Many of my friends show up to their partner’s work events with a blow-dry and even a new outfit, as if they were introducing their other half. I know women who bake cakes and send them to their partners, who help organize events or fundraisers, who take their children whenever they are too sick to school or daycare so their husbands can be at work.

They take on the role of First Lady despite not being married to a politician. It may be a relic of another time when families could live comfortably on one income, but it’s a toxic anachronism that makes my skin crawl because I’m afraid it’s actually very bad for the rest of the world.

I’m sure women who “help” think they are just being friendly or helpful when they step in to professionally support their partners, but in reality they are doing something much worse. They support the idea that when you hire one person, you bring that person’s spouse into the deal. Unpaid. Just as the First Lady does not receive a salary, neither does the Prime Minister’s wife. And if I’ve learned anything about feminism or being a woman and trying to succeed in a career: it’s a stunning mistake to give away your work if you don’t get paid.

Perhaps it was Melania’s experiences in the notoriously exploitative modeling industry that made her tough enough to say no. But whatever the reason, she is an absolutely perfect example of refusing to do unpaid labor for someone else’s benefit.

Personally, I would exclude spouses from the election campaign. In the UK I would move the Prime Minister’s residence further away from Downing Street, and in the US I would move the Presidential residence further away from the White House to create a more appropriate boundary between work and home life.

Why should someone propose to the world just because their partner wants a particular job? In what world is it reasonable, fair or modern to expect a woman to follow her husband on the campaign trail? The way politicians behave trickles down, it underlies the concept of how things “should” be done, and a partner following two steps behind to facilitate someone’s ambitions is not the example I want for our leaders to submit.

It’s not just Melania’s absence from the Trump campaign that fascinates me. She continues to live as if her husband’s political career simply does not exist.

Earlier this year, Melania’s first book was published – an autobiography about her childhood in Slovenia, her modeling career and her marriage to Trump. What is truly shocking is that in her book, Melania speaks openly and passionately about her belief in abortion as a necessary public health option.

She writes: “It is necessary to ensure that women have the autonomy to decide their preference to have children based on their own convictions, without any interference or pressure from government. Limiting a woman’s right to choose whether to terminate an unwanted pregnancy is tantamount to depriving her of control over her own body. I have carried this belief throughout my adult life.”

There is something undeniably brave about marrying a man who is trying to ban access to abortion and publishing a book in which you unmistakably declare your support for access to abortion.

Then again, watching how many women I know in everyday life squeeze themselves in to fit into their partner’s family or friend group, it’s mind-bogglingly satisfying to watch women simply refuse to do so. While I can’t help but admire who she’s married to, I really can’t help but admire the way Melania manages her marriage. I know many very liberal, forward-thinking women who could take a leaf out of her book.